by Karen
O’Neil
On the evening that my mother died alone
in her Chicago apartment just short of her 100th birthday, I was 1000 miles
away in Austin, Texas, standing in line with my husband and our eight-year-old
grandson, Peter, waiting for Rick Riordan to autograph the very latest in his Percy
Jackson and the Olympians series. This was a moment
Peter
had been anticipating for months. He had carefully instructed me the night
before to get to Book People as early as I could to secure a prime place in
line for the evening event. “Believe me, Grandma,” he had said earnestly.
“You’ve got to go early. You don’t know how many people will be there. Go at 8:00.
Go as soon as you wake up. You’ll get a much better spot.”
But on a sunny May morning, I had not
fully heeded Peter’s instructions. First, I stopped along the way to have
coffee at an outdoor café. I
did the Times crossword (an easy Tuesday), and then I put in a quick
call to my mother, basking in a pace of life that made such leisure possible.
Dawdling in the morning was a heretofore forbidden treat, the first course in
what felt to my husband and me like a feast of retirement—beautiful weather,
beautiful grandchildren, enough work to be interesting, but not enough to be
stressful. We were there for the semester while Bob taught a course at the
University of Texas Law School, a long-awaited and highly prized shared
adventure.
In what still seemed my real life, the
one from which I’d just retired as English teacher and college counselor, by
this hour I would already have taught a class, answered a dozen emails, tried
to soothe at least a handful of worried parents, and been well into my third
cup of coffee. But here, in Austin, I was sitting on a sunny patio, gazing at a
skate boarder with puffy dreadlocks stuffed under a watch cap sailing
cheerfully past a pair of fit, young women striding at warp exercise speed and
locked in oblivious conversation. They might have been in a hurry, but not me.
I was relishing the leisure of every passing moment.
The call to Mother was a daily ritual,
one that I usually performed in the evening, but the previous night—too tired,
too busy, too caught up in my own life—I had somehow neglected. If Mother was
disappointed that I’d not called earlier, she didn’t say so. Even faced with
advanced Parkinson’s and macular degeneration, she rarely complained, although
everything that had always kept her going was rapidly slipping away—her husband
of almost seventy-five years, the large family that now sprawled from one end
of the country to the other, a lifetime of friendships, her capacity to read
and write. At ninety-nine she had become almost totally dependent on others for
even her most basic needs.
Listening to her now, sitting in that
sunny cafe in Austin, struggling to hear her murmured words, it was easy to
forget that she’d taught until she was ninety, consulted until she was ninety-five,
authored two books, nurtured three generations of children, co-created an
exemplary marriage, and run the most efficient and gracious household in our
family. We used to joke that while others were feeding and caring for their ninety-year-old
grandmothers, ours was feeding and caring for us. But that Mother, the one our
children referred to as “real grandma” was making increasingly rare appearances
these days. This Mother, the one I called daily, the “pretend grandma,” wasn’t
nearly as easy nor as much fun to hang out with. Often in those calls I would
find myself almost shouting, trying to make my voice heard across some rapidly
thickening barrier that each day pushed her farther away. And often, if I was
really honest with myself, I was relieved when she wanted to hang up.
Standing now in the Book People line
with an excited Peter, all of that seemed so far away. We were there for an
adventure, collecting him for the drive to the book store, cruising the parking
lot for an open spot, finding our place in a line that snaked around the block.
Here we were surrounded by eddies of children, swirling around us in the capes
and helmets of Olympic heroes, many with their heads buried in the pages of The
Last Olympian like diminutive ostriches. Periodically, a store
representative would gallop through the crowd dressed as a Minotaur, and the
small readers would look up distracted, as if unable to figure out exactly
where they were, in that world or this.
Peter had been right, of course, in
cautioning me to get an early start. By the time I had gotten to Book People at
10:00 that morning, there were some 400 people ahead of me, and the letter I
had been assigned for the actual signing was deep into the alphabet. We were
facing a long wait, although no one seemed to mind much. Not Peter, who was by
now some fifty pages into the book and utterly oblivious to the passage of
time, and certainly not me. Here was life, energy, engagement. Who could
possibly resist the sight of all those children willing to forego dinner for
the autograph of a beloved author?
I hadn’t known that morning that my
conversation with Mother would be our last, that she had refused to eat
breakfast, had slept a great deal of the day, and grown increasingly
unresponsive. She’d answered the phone as she always did, “I’m fine, dear. You
mustn’t worry.” It wasn’t unusual that she didn’t want to talk at length. If
I’d called the night before, I might have captured her for just a moment or two
by reading from the volume of poetry I kept by the phone for just that purpose,
knowing that our shared love of words was one thing that could almost always
draw her back into life. “Read that one again,” she’d say, and then instead,
she’d begin to recite, “When in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes …” and for
just a moment, each of us would hold tight to a string of words that bound us
together while time and space evaporated.
But the night before that hadn’t
happened because I hadn’t called. And I hadn’t called because, if truth be
told, I was tired. Tired from high blood pressure and low blood pressure, from
falls and strokes, from jumping on a plane and then rushing to the hospital. I
was tired from the sound of the phone in the night and keeping a packed
suitcase beside the bed, tired from running interference with doctors and
caretakers, wondering whether I should make a trip to Chicago this weekend or
that—tired of worrying whether Mother and before his death, Dad, were as
comfortable as possible. I was tired of the endless question of whether I was
doing it right, doing it well enough— fulfilling this assignment of helping my
parents through the end of their lives.
Oh, sure, I knew we were lucky, as lucky
as a family can be, and I knew that I had no cause for complaint. My parents
had had a long lives, good health to the end, ample resources, and highly
competent and willing helpers. I could choose to keep Mother in the comfort of
her own home. I could choose to be in Austin, choose to indulge myself in a
perfect May day, choose the company of an appreciative eight-year-old, choose
to postpone my next visit with Mother just a little longer. Or so it seemed
then.
But looking back now with the
perspective of time, I’m not so sure. Pretend or real, Mother was surely
lonely, surely longed for the company and comfort of her family beside her,
surely wished that I’d made the trip to be with her. Who wants to spend their
last hours in the company of a paid caretaker? Who wants to end her life
essentially alone? I could make myself hear Mother saying, “Stay where you are,
dear. That’s exactly where you belong.” But is that how she really felt? Or was
it just easier for me to pretend? And easier still to ignore recognition of my
own place in a line, right behind her.
The line I was standing in with Peter
was full of happy anticipation, eager children awaiting a new book to take its
place in their lives. The line I was in? The line I’m in now? Not so clear. In
our family at least, I’m up next for Pretend Grandma. Perhaps if I’d thought
about it that way, I would have jumped on a plane to cross those 1000 miles.
Or perhaps not. Perhaps I would have
stayed where I was, recognizing, as I suspect Mother did, that whether or not
we read the last page together, this was a book that had only one end.
Karen O’Neil is a writer and retired English
teacher, who lives in Washington D.C. She draws on her experiences with her own
large family to explore the gratifications and complexities of
multi-generational relationships. Her work has appeared in the online journals,
The Mindful Word and Embodied Effigies.
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ReplyDeleteWow,Great writing skill... I really thanks to you for giving great knowledge.you can read The Last Olympian . I will Bookmark this website. and recommend for everyone to read Top Novel books
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